A Very Brief History of Mother’s Day, and a Prayer for Peace

The origins of Mother’s Day stretch back to the American Civil War, and the initial thrust of the day was meant to gather mothers together to advocate for peace, civility, and healing the physical and psychological wounds that divided us at that time.

Unfortunately, that effort didn’t gain much lasting traction.

At the behest of a woman named Anna Jarvis, whose mother had been involved in efforts to gather mothers together to end war and bloodshed, President Woodrow Wilson issued the proclamation for the first official Mother’s Day in 1914. Ironically, the proclamation came just two months before World War I erupted.

Anna’s mother died on the second Sunday of May in 1905, and that’s why the holiday we know today always falls at the same time each year. It was originally intended as an annual tribute to a woman who wanted to bring mothers together in the service of peace.

Anna envisioned the “holy day” as a time to honor mothers by writing them heartfelt letters of gratitude. To her, pre-printed cards didn’t count. She ultimately died discontent, distraught, and destitute, having spent much of her life trying to recall the holiday that was quickly commercialized away from its original intent.

And here we are, 112 years after Mother’s Day’s original proclamation: still heavily commercialized, and still struggling to disagree without dehumanizing each other.

At the same time, there’s growing recognition that Mother’s Day is not an easy “holy day” for all of us.

We have all been deeply influenced by our mothers or mother-figures. They are core to shaping who we are and the paths we walk in life.

Given that Anna Jarvis rallied the president of the United States to honor her mother, I’m going to assume she had what I call a “Goldilocks relationship” with her mom. That is, it was “just right.”

Not too much smothering, or too little affection.

Not too much discipline, or too little guidance.

Not too protective, or too absent.

Lucky indeed are those who feel they got a “Goldilocks mom,” or whose relationships are evolving in that direction. And keeping it real, even Goldilocks herself was guilty of breaking and entering, among other transgressions. A “Goldilocks mom” is by no means perfect, but she got enough right, enough of the time.

Moms, however superhuman they can be, are still just humans. They are imperfect, complicated, evolving human beings, embroiled in the theater of their own life choices and doing the best they can with what they have, what they know, and what they believe to be right. And sometimes their best is too much, or too little, relative to what we needed from them.

All of which is to say: Mother’s Day is far more emotionally complex than Anna Jarvis originally conceived it to be.

For some, this day brings warmth, love, gratitude, and closeness.

For others, it brings grief, longing, anger, estrangement, complicated love, or relief.

Some of us are grieving mothers who are no longer alive.

Some of us are grieving children who are no longer alive.

Some of us are carrying the invisible ache of pregnancies that ended too soon, babies that died as they were born, or dreams of motherhood that unfolded differently than hoped.

Some of us are carrying the weight of losing a partner during childbirth, suddenly solo-parenting when it was supposed to be a double act.

Some of us are actively mothering children.

Some of us are mothering friends, partners, communities, patients, clients, students, animals, aging parents, or anyone we’ve chosen to take under our wing.

Some of us (regardless of our sex or gender) are learning, perhaps for the first time, how to re-mother themselves after growing up without the safety, tenderness, protection, or steadiness we deserved.

Perhaps we can re-envision Mother’s Day as a moment to not only celebrate mothers, but to widen our understanding of mothering itself.

Because at its best, mothering is about tending. Repairing. Protecting. Nurturing. Witnessing. Nourishing.

Mothering is about the willingness to keep loving something fragile.  And we are all, in our own ways, fragile.

And perhaps peace begins in the same place good mothering does: in the willingness to regard another being as fully human.

So, in the spirit of Mother’s Day’s original intention, I offer all of us a prayer for peace:

May we first begin with the world inside, finding peace within ourselves. Peace with our bodies, our choices, our mistakes, our losses. May our minds be our own loving advocates, not our critical adversaries. May there be no war inside ourselves.

May we then turn toward our closest relationships, regarding conflict and resentment not only as sources of pain, but as opportunities for growth, understanding, healthy boundaries, forgiveness, and release. May there be no war between our dearest ones.

May we extend that peace outward to the familiar strangers we engage with every day: neighbors whose names we don’t know, service workers, commuters, commenters on social media, and the person on the receiving end of the 800 number you called. Regardless of their accent, the way they dress, how they speak, or what mood they happen to be in that has absolutely nothing to do with us, may we extend them the benefit of the doubt, the grace of being “just human,” and perhaps even a curious and nonjudgmental ear to hear their story. May there be no war in our immediate circle of influence.

And finally, may we lift our eyes to regard the wider world, and the people within it whose lives are every bit as real, valid, and complex as our own. Politicians, celebrities, religious leaders, and everyday Joe Schmoes in every corner of the world, all trying to get through another day the best they can with the options available to them. May we remember that they, too, feel physical pain and experience emotional anguish. May we not become the direct or indirect cause of such suffering. May there be no war against people whose full stories we will never know.

To mothers, and mothering. May the peace we cultivate within ourselves ripple outward in widening waves, making gentler our care for all that is fragile and tender. In that spirit, Happy Mother’s Day.

Read more about the history of Mother’s Day here.